Blank Pages

No photos today, because technically this is a sub-post of [002]. ^^

Do you mind if I like you?
I think I love you I think I do
Do you mind if I love you?
Say you love me
- Kokuhaku (Confession) by Angela Aki, from Blue (2012)

Been on a massive crush spree the past few days. This means indulging in fantasies, in hopes that will never come true, driving my friends and timeline nuts with fangirl screams and crush sighs, among other things.

This isn’t really normal for me, at least. I’ve never been one to indulge with crushes and the like, especially celebrity crushes. Don’t think most people who have noticed it, but if I like someone intensely, they tend to be people I know in real life. They tend to be people whom I can actually reach out and say, “Hey, I like you, and it seems you like me, let’s get together.”

Which is hilarious to think about, because I’ve been in relationships for the past fourteen years (wow, has it really been that long?) and have only had one break in that entire time (by break I mean not get into a relationship less than 8 months after the last).

What changed? Well, for one, the last relationship I was in didn’t work out. It’s not for the lack of trying, but you can only go so far before you reach a limit both of you will not cross. In a way, that relationship is perhaps the one I regret the most, because it was the right one for both of us.

The past though, is in the past. We parted as good friends, and I’m glad to have him as a friend. It’s just hard sometimes, watching both of us move on, knowing that we could have had something, but it just wasn’t to be.

The following months after that was a flurry of activity, thank the Goddess. I had a lot of things to occupy me, even though most of the leads I chased did not pan out. In between, I nursed a hurting heart, throwing myself into being a good senior (somewhat) and learning how to smile when all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry.

The good thing about having a lot of things to do is that you don’t have time to mull over things, and time flies. While the actual distance may be small, when you pack your life with so many memories, what happened before feels distant and a far away thing. It’s only in the past few weeks that my heart has begun to accept what happened, and we’re finally cleaning the remaining debris and dust that has accumulated.

Which is what makes the resulting crushes so intense. It seems that to make up for my years of missed “squee”, my heart and brain have decided now’s the perfect time for me to indulge in a celebrity crush. I’ve gone from simply going “kyaa” over a nice picture into researching bits and trivia to contemplating sending my crush a fanmail.

The lack of a focus to channel my romantic energies and thoughts have led to me crushing on several guys at once. While this is not unusual, the crushes are very intense. One of them has died off, due to lack of watering. The other’s a nice little potted plant that makes me smile whenever I think of him, but too young for me and no signs of it flowering, so it remains a cute little thing on a pedestal now.

The one that’s giving me the most problems is the celebrity crush. I know he’ll never notice me, so I’ve felt like that gives me full rein to squee about him. There’s also the fact that he is one of the prettiest boys I’ve ever seen and he’s graceful like a swan. It helps he has a small fanbase, because their information tends to be very concentrated and fairly precise (no, I have not been stalking nor reading up all the threads on him).

I don’t think I want to confess anyway. It’s still too soon, and I think it’s just new skin. The bleeding just stopped several weeks ago, and the new skin’s just beginning to cover it. I think I’ll give it another few months before I poke it again.

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

There are a few songs that will always remain close to my heart. Not because of their popularity, but because they came at a time when I needed it the most. Oddly enough, I’m usually captured first by their rhythm and emotion, then only by words (this is where having a lot of people translate a song you love comes in handy).

God Knows by Aya Hirano reminds me of the time I broke up with my ex. For a long time when I heard that song, I’d resonate with: yamete uso wa anatara shikunai yo (Stop it, it’s not like you to lie) but as time went by, I was drawn instead to yowasa yue ni tamashii kowasareru you ni (My weakness will not shatter my spirit).

It came into my life at a time when I sorely needed it. The breakup took a toll on me emotionally, spiritually and in some ways, physically. I had awesome friends who helped me through it, but I wasn’t quite the same. God Knows became an anthem of sorts, a song I’d scream my heart out when I was depressed or alone.

Yui’s Again was another song that hit close to my heart. For one, there was that depressing anime series called “Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood” that was nothing but owowowowow hit me in the heart again why don’t you but what resonated with me the most was Kaeru basho mo nai no, which translates to “I have no home to go to.” Which fucking hurt because I just lost my grandmother. It was an outlet to my heart, emotions. And gave me a place to hold on when I had long drives home.

Years go by, and whenever a song comes up and holds me by the heart and doesn’t let go, I know it’s usually a sign that something’s coming. It’s been a long time coming, but I think the next one might just be One Ok Rock’s “The Beginning.” The reason’s simple:

Just give me a reason
To keep my heart beating
Don’t worry, it’s safe right here in my arms.

At least I have good warning with this one. With that, good night.

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

I was reading the Star’s Weekender when I came across this article by a “Mark Lee” who lamented that thanks to feminism, men did not know what women wanted anymore. Did they want their man to be chivalrous and pick up the tab? Did they want their man to treat them as equals and share it? Or was it all a guessing game, with the man forever doomed to be the loser for not being able to read a woman’s mind?

According to Lee, he had taken two different approaches with the ladies. For the first date, he had done everything a “gentleman” would have done. That is to say, he picked the restaurant, ordered her food, and paid the bill. She didn’t want to have a second date with him.

For the second girl, he had done quite the opposite. He met her at the restaurant, ordered his food while she was still mulling over hers, and then didn’t see her home safely. She told him he wasn’t charming enough.

So now you have poor Mark Lee wondering just where he went wrong. Oh yes, I forgot to mention, apparently he says this feminism thing has also left his good friend, a feminist who could probably arm wrestle a man into submission, single as she can’t find a guy who would “sweep her off her feet.”

Can you see now why Mark Lee irritates me so?

Reading his entry leads me to conclude one thing: he’s lazy. And rude. And used to being pampered. He reminds me of another guy who says that feminism, at this point in time, is a lie.

Here’s the thing, boys. It’s not about you. When it comes to dating, feminism is simply about one thing, and one thing alone: LISTENING TO THE PERSON YOU ARE DATING. Just as not all men are alike, women are even more varied than men. There is no real formula or ritual you can use for every girl. There is, however, one trick to making things work out if you are serious about it.

God/Nature gave you two eyes and two ears. And a single brain.
Use them, please! Before you go on a date, ask her if she would be comfortable driving there herself or if she would rather you pick her up. Find out what kind of a person she is. CHAT with her. I’m in awe of guys who go on dates without doing this simple background check. If you’re on a blind date, ask the person who arranged the date about whether she’d like you to pick up the tab or if she’d like to go Dutch. After all, you wouldn’t meet with a client without doing some basic background research, right?

Of course, whether you really hit it off with her later that I can’t say. It cannot hurt though, to discover what her boundaries are and to respect them. That shows that you are genuinely interested in them for who they are, which is the best way to score points, no?

Original entry as appearing at Reach Into Your Soul.

I was talking to a friend, comparing notes on love, and we came to this conclusion:

Love yourself. It is not selfish to love yourself above others.

If you cannot love yourself, you cannot love others.

I know people who when they love, they give it all. But they should keep some love for themselves.

Love is precious, and loving yourself is just as important as loving the world. Be the change, Gandhi says, in the world that you want to change. And if you wish to love, then you must first love yourself.

Original entry as appearing at Reach Into Your Soul.

From the moment it was announced, I knew I wanted in. Yet I did not dare say it out loud, because I was afraid that it was going to fail, mainly due to lack of willpower. But seeing Malaysians across the divide and of the same mind doing it, I could not help but want to join in.

I’m talking about this. It is a solidarity fast with all our Muslim brothers and sisters, to show that we do not condone the actions of the bigoted cow-head protestors, who then went on to disrupt the town hall meeting that was aimed at solving their grouses.

I haven’t fasted in a long time. The most I’ve done is to do a water fast; I abstained from taking food but had water throughout the day instead. I know it will not be easy, and I fully expect to be complaining of hunger pangs by 3.30pm, but I want to do this.

I want to tell the bigots of the world of my country that there is no place for their hate in Malaysia. That this is MY Malaysia. More than anything, this is the place I grew up. This is the place that nurtured me. This is the place that says to me, without holding back, home.

I want to also tell Malaysia that I love her. That I am willing to lay down my life for her. As Haris Ibrahim says, “As a fellow Bangsa Malaysia, I am willing 2 die for you – all of you, regardless of race or religion”. Haris Ibrahim (From Twitter)

My Malaysia, my home. She is more than a piece of land. She is more than an individual. She is, like most countries, an idea. An ideal.

Someone once said that my Malaysia was brutally raped when she was just 12 years old. I say that we need to move beyond that rape. That we should not just ensure it won’t happen again, but that our vibrant, wonderful, beautiful girl will be strong enough to overcome it.

Happy Birthday Malaysia. Here’s to you.

Original entry as appearing at Reach Into Your Soul.

Loving myself?

Something to ponder anyway. I wonder how many people actually do love themselves for real, instead of saying they love others?

Original entry as appearing at Broken Shield and Sword.