007: Heaven

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2014 10:58 pm
geminianeyes: Fran X Miles Double Team  (Fran X Miles Double Team)

Image of storks from my own collection
Image of storks from my own collection

The first thing she was aware of was the feel of the gentle breeze caressing her cheek.

It was a constant, gentle thing, a cooling wind to blow away the cares of the day. She found herself breathing easily, enjoying the breeze. Each breath she took brought new aromas, opened her senses to more information about this place.

The scent of wildflowers. Of freshly-cut grass. The cleanliness of a river.

A beautiful meadow, she thought to herself, her mind instantly casting back to when she was just five years old, and her parents had taken her and her brother on a family picnic. That one moment, when she was a child, walking in the tall grass.

“Open your eyes, Alice,” the brimstone voice of the demon broke her reverie.

Alice opened her eyes to find herself standing on a small hill, under the shade of a large yew tree. Around them, she could see people about them, frozen in a moment. Some were running after each other. A few were sitting on picnic blankets, sharing food. She even saw a couple kissing passionately, lovers entwined with each other, forgetting the world. Her cheeks turned red and she looked away.

“You may speak, child,” the demon’s voice seemed to unlock Alice’s lips, and she found the questions tumbling out.

“Where is this? What am I doing here? Why is everyone frozen?” Alice found herself hyperventilating, panic rising in her chest for no reason.

“Breathe, child. You are not in danger here. This…” he waited till Alice had taken two deep breaths and released them before he continued, “Is heaven. A place where those who are sinless and those who have done good, are taken to rest. Frozen, in a moment of time, at their happiest.”

“What… what is it that you wish me to do here then?”

“We want you to destroy Heaven,” she looked at him as though he had gone mad.

He grinned, and sat down. Alice could not help but think how absurd it was, that here, in the sunlight, in what was supposed to be one of the holiest places, a demon, complete with horns, cloven feet, and thin tail, was sitting happily on the ground. And looking up to HER as though she was going to do the impossible.

“What?” she blinked and stared at him.

“Corrupt Heaven, Alice. This is the price you will pay.”

“But how?” she took a few steps back from him and held her hands open wide, to emphasise her words.

“I leave that up to you. Let me know when it begins, hmm?” the demon leant against the Yew tree, closed his eyes, and soon began snoring.

Alice did not dare to even think of running away. She had made a bargain, and she would stick with it. The question that arose, of course, was how do you corrupt heaven?

~~~~~~~

Heaven, they say, is a place on earth.

Or that it’s something you work on. I don’t know. And to be honest, I stopped caring a long time ago.

Heaven, to me, is a state of mind. It’s a moment of bliss, a moment of happiness. A moment where everything clicks. When you feel right, and that everything around you is right. A moment that you would want to freeze. So as to remember it forever.

I don’t want to freeze time.

I know I don’t want to die. I have a lot of things to live for. I always had, I’ve just never had the courage to admit it to myself. But that’s beside the point.

I like the idea of Heaven, but I don’t like what you have to do to get there. That separation is painful. And if there is nothing in this life after death, it is also pointless.

Much better to love and appreciate the people around you instead while they are here. Heaven shouldn’t be a place you wait to meet those who’ve gone before. By the time you’ve found out, it’ll be too late.

Heaven should be a place on earth. Or rather, a person on earth.

Moments of happiness. Of life.

I don’t want to leave this plane. I don’t want to leave my friends, my family, my loves. I want to live here. To be here. Eternal happiness is nothing if the people I care about are not there.

Hell, they say, is other people. But I’m willing to be in Hell if my loved ones are in hell. Because my heaven are the people I care about.

And apparently I can care quite a bit.

This entry was written for the 100 Themes Challenge. For the full list, click here.

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

geminianeyes: Fran X Miles Double Team  (Fran X Miles Double Team)

Drowning.

When I was a child, my parents took me, my brother, and two cousins to the beach. The four of us had a whale of a time, though I often ran back from the water’s edge to my mother to wipe the salt water from my eyes. Soon I got accustomed to it and I played in the water.

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Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

Quick updates

Tuesday, February 21st, 2012 11:21 pm
geminianeyes: Fran X Miles Double Team  (Fran X Miles Double Team)

I’m still taking photos each day, but I just don’t have the energy to post them up at the end of the day.

Not when I see photos like these and cry.

I guess I’m still not over my grandma’s death. It’s easy to remember most days that she’s gone. Harder to accept some days, like today, that I can’t just go over to her house and sit on her bed with her. Have her tap my knee when I say something silly that makes her smile. Have her hold my hand when she walks. See her face light up.

I feel so guilty for ignoring her the months leading up to her death. I’ll probably carry that guilt for the rest of my life. I feel so guilty that I didn’t get married before she passed away, so she could see me in a wedding gown.

Most of all I feel guilty, sad and disappointed with myself. I miss her. I remember a woman who took me for a 2 hour walk, or was it just 20 minutes? We walked home from the market when I was a child. I will never forget that walk. It was long but I loved it so.

I remember Mama holding on to my hand firmly when she was afraid she would fall. I remember being happy that I was needed in that way, that I could hold her hand and be her support like how she had been for me, growing up. I remember Mama touching my face and looking at me as though she would burn my face into her memory one time when she was in great pain and we thought she was going to die.

I remember Mama tapping my head to see if I was there and awake one time. Mama making a fuss because she didn’t want to be alone. Mama who gripped my hand firmly. Mama who scolded me, and Mama who could make jokes.

Mama’s with Papa now, dear. You know that was where she wanted to be. And you know how much she loves you.

She’s no longer alone.

Let her go.

Rest in Peace, Mama.

I love you.

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

geminianeyes: Fran X Miles Double Team  (Fran X Miles Double Team)

“Aiyo, why you wear this to work? I thought I told you to wear something nicer? Your wardrobe was so much nicer at your old company,” was one of the first things my mom said to me when I got home yesterday.

For the record, I was wearing a simple top, with a pair of slightly-loose jeans. My mom hates my wardrobe. She prefers to see me in slacks and with a handbag to hold my wallet. According to her, that makes me look like a girl.

I have a tonne of issues with that. One of which is that I absolutely LOATHE dressing up. Just because she enjoys it doesn’t mean I do. I think she really does see me as a copy of her. She sees me as someone to mold in her image, or at least in her image of what it means to be a girl today.

I absolutely hate it.

Yet I can’t talk to her about it because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. It’s bad enough that Dad bullies her and lives off her money. He can’t keep a stable job and with mom facing retirement in a few years and two car payments to keep up, I know they are both feeling the pressure. I honestly do hate the way mom critiques almost everything I do. She can’t really let it out with my brother because he will scream just as badly to her. As for me, I tend to resort to cutting remarks and bringing up the past. Which are her own tactics against us. I do feel sorry for her but I find it quite hard to excuse her actions otherwise.

ARGH. Will just go back to writing. /incoherent rant

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

geminianeyes: Fran X Miles Double Team  (Fran X Miles Double Team)

And are home safe, welcome home. I’m glad you’re all ok. /massivesquishribhug!

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

Packing: 25%

Tuesday, June 28th, 2011 08:26 pm
geminianeyes: Fran X Miles Double Team  (Fran X Miles Double Team)

The good news, at least the drawers of my desk are clean. Now to reorganise the two boxes I have and start attacking the smaller cabinets. I think I need another two boxes before I complete those, but definitely need to find a mask, else I’ll be sneezing in my sleep again.

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

Dust notes

Tuesday, June 28th, 2011 06:38 am
geminianeyes: Fran X Miles Double Team  (Fran X Miles Double Team)

Dear self,

Please keep in mind the following:

  • Dust takes approximately 2-3 hours to settle, so schedule cleaning appropriately
  • Clean your fan!
  • Vanilla candles do not displace dust

Also, book box 1 is good to go. You may seal and put it outside. Then we can get started on the boxes underneath your bed and the additional device boxes in your cupboard.

Sincerely
Me

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

Bitterness

Friday, April 29th, 2011 09:40 pm
geminianeyes: Fran X Miles Double Team  (Fran X Miles Double Team)

Bitterness is a mixture of emotions. It’s one part anger, three parts regret. The anger is fed by the helplessness regret entails. I often feel regret for the things I cannot change, and thus it makes me feel helpless. That leads to rage, which is a self destructive cycle because there is no way to vent that anger, to direct it into an action that will take away the regret.

Channeling emotions from one state to another is not something I can do easily. It’ll spill over from one situation to another, but I can’t exactly channel the energy itself from a situation into another. I can’t turn that energy into something positive unless it’s closely related to the trigger of the emotion.

Which is why it’s just so much easier for me to bitch about how the Government is royally fucking us up without being able to do anything more than retweet.

I’m listening to rainy mood now. It’s calming for me. The noise of the rain with occasional thunder is soothing. It soothes my heart. Makes me remember of times spent in my grandmother’s house, sitting by the door, a cup of milo in my hands, looking outside. Reminds me of cool days with the wind blowing into the house. When coming out after the rain is like literally looking at the world through new eyes. Through a clean glass. Through a world made anew.

I miss the physical sensation of putting my head on my mama’s lap. Or even her shoulder. I miss her hand tapping my thigh to make a point. I miss her smile. I miss her leaning on my arm.

I miss mama.

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

geminianeyes: Cute sisters from PW as kids (Default)

Someone in Malaysia had the zombie virus. It spread fast.

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Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

geminianeyes: Cute sisters from PW as kids (Default)

My 3-year old nephew on my mom’s side (whom I adore because he’s a tough and plucky kid) was hospitalised for lung infection recently. Apparently part of the reason he fell sick was because his mom limited his food intake. By limiting his food intake I don’t mean that she didn’t let him eat fast food and the like. It was more like she put him on a crash diet with her, as she didn’t want either one of them developing a tummy.

Background: My cousin sister apparently still has a flat tummy. Fine for you, but to not allow your kid to eat because HE developed a stomach? That’s cruel.

I find that quite disturbing. I can understand limiting food intake to make sure he doesn’t overeat, or that he doesn’t eat only junk food and the like, but really, at a traditional family sit down with rice, beancurd, steamed fish, fried kai lan with sweet and sour chicken? Traditional Chinese foods which don’t have much oil, fats or anything?

I mean, what the hell.

Saying that I am disturbed is a major understatement. At least it underscores what I will never do with my children. If my kids want to eat, let them eat. If they want veggies (when their mommy hates them XD) then they shall have it. If they want steamed chicken or fruits, then they’ll have it. And you’ll can be goddamned sure that if we’re going out to eat with the family, I’ll let them feed him whatever he wants; junk food and whatever he’s allergic to aside.

Blergh. At least my nephew’s recovered. I do feel sorry for her that she got quite a bit of scolding apparently from the whole family, but that’s mom dealing with her. Raising kids in Asia is rarely a solo effort. For once, I am glad this is so.

Context: Nephew is usually looked after by his grandma in the day but stays with my cousin brother’s family, aka my cousin sis’s in-laws.

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

I want my mama

Wednesday, January 19th, 2011 08:14 pm
geminianeyes: Cute sisters from PW as kids (Default)

Was driving home from work and was at the junction near my house when I thought to myself; ah, I want to see Mama today! I wanted to tell her about my new job, about the people I met, about the photobooks, and so much more.

Then I remembered, Mama’s no longer here.

It took a few seconds for that to sink it, and when it did, so did the sadness, like a blow to my face. Mama was gone. She’s no longer here. I parked my car quickly and rushed inside the house. No one was at home, not even my brother, for the first time, I can finally give myself over to the tears and grieve. My mama’s gone. Mama’s gone. Mama’s not here anymore.

I cannot remember a time when her presence was unimportant. I can’t remember a time when Mama was not around. I miss sitting next to her, my head on her shoulder, while she pouts on something.

I miss my mama. I want my mama. I want my mama.

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

geminianeyes: Cute sisters from PW as kids (Default)

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

- Leave out all the rest, by Linkin Park

Sometime in the fifth hour past noon, my grandmother passed away. She leaves behind nine children, various in-laws (and quite a few outlaws XD). numerous grandchildren and a fractured family. Well, not really, but we shall see what happens in the next few days.

If there is one thing I don’t regret, it’s spending time with my grandma. My grandmother was one of those fierce women who didn’t need feminism to blaze her own way; she was a strong, opinionated woman who disciplined her children and spoiled her grandchildren. She was also the most stubborn woman I know. My grandmother kept her family running while my grandfather was earning the bread. Frugal, she taught her children how to be independent and to do their own housework. She fixed things on her own rather than paying someone to do so. My grandmother also took fierce pride in her family; while none of us may be wildly rich, neither are any of us doing drugs or are we criminals.

Ever the fierce Tiger, my grandmother is also stubborn. This stubbornness has been passed down to quite a number of children and grandchildren. At the same time, she also instilled respect for our elders, and would not tolerate any disrespect from a younger child to an older one. My grandmother was also immensely practical and knew her offspring well; she could identify her children from a long way off and when she called for you, it was best to come running.

My grandmother took care of ten of her 18 grandchildren. Three were Muslim, yet she respected their beliefs, ensuring that their beliefs were not violated as she took care of them. She adored and doted on her grandchildren. Each one she knew by name, each one she called at least once. Each also had a nickname she gave.

My grandmother was also a great traveller. Before her stroke, she and my grandfather used to travel at least once a year. In their old age, they visited China, Rome, New Zealand, Australia, and the United States. They always brought souvenirs home but what most of us looked forward to was my grandmother’s cooking.

My grandmother was the family cook, no doubt. Every Christmas, she would make pineapple tarts that would put most commercial and home-baked cookies to shame. She also knew how to cook spaghetti bolognaise, phong teh, and various kinds of sambal. There are very few people who do not love my grandmother’s devil curry; hers was just the right kind of spiciness.

My grandmother has lived a full life. A few weeks before she passed away, she told one of my uncles that she had a dream of my grandfather standing outside the gate of the house she lived in. He refused to come in and did not answer when she asked him why didn’t he come in. A few days before she passed away, my grandmother thanked everyone who visited her and I think, asked forgiveness too. I think more than any other times before, she knew she was leaving us.

I don’t regret her passing, but I would be lying if I said that I did not miss her. We all do, and I’m glad for myself that at least I managed to spend time with Mama in her final hours and days. I have no regrets.

Rest in peace Mama. We love you.

Your granddaughter
Patricia

Original entry as appearing at Reach Into Your Soul.

geminianeyes: Cute sisters from PW as kids (Default)

So for those who have been reading my Twitter updates, you’ll know that my grandmother is in the hospital. Cut for those who just want to skim over.

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Original entry as appearing at Reach Into Your Soul.

HELP!

Tuesday, December 14th, 2010 03:28 pm
geminianeyes: Cute sisters from PW as kids (Default)

Please help my sis!

Dear all,

My dog ran out of the house yesterday evening (Sunday) at about 5-6pm when my house guests accidently left the gate open a bit too long.

She is a mixed terrier, medium size, with a stumpy tail. She has short white hair with light brown spots. Answers to the name FRISKI. She is a friendly and playful dog …and as far as I have her, she has never bitten or snapped at anyone. She’s not wearing a collar (as I take it off when she is in the house).

Me and my sister went round looking for her last night but as it was dark we could not cover many grounds.

If you happen to see her around please give me (012-6598206) or my sister Melissa (012-2572188) a call. If you cannot get either of us, please call our house phone (03-51929206) – our house guests should be in. We live in Putra Heights Section 10.

Would appreciate your help to look out for her. Me and my sister will be so grateful.

Thank you.
Michelle

Original entry as appearing at Reach Into Your Soul.

I love my mom

Sunday, August 29th, 2010 11:10 pm
geminianeyes: Cute sisters from PW as kids (Default)

Bro, me and mom are watching Chun Li, the abomination.

Me: Needs more boobs. And hips (in reference to Kristin Kruek’s lack of assets).

Bro: She’s too flat.

Me: Even the older actress from [insert series] would have been better.

Mom: *who has no knowledge of Street Fighter AT ALL* Zhang Ziyi would be better. She would have looked more professional and suited for the role.

Bro and me: LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Original entry as appearing at Reach Into Your Soul.

geminianeyes: Cute sisters from PW as kids (Default)

All I have left to do is to scan and send my certs off, and then I’ll be waiting for Gaba to let me know if they are going to hire me after all. I want to go to Japan to teach. I want to fly. I want to reach my dreams. This is the road I have chosen, this is the road I’m taking. Now that it’s so close, I’m terrified of it coming true. There’s so much left in this life, so much more things to do…

My parents were lecturing me yesterday on my life. Me and my brother both, but especially me because I think I’m a big disappointment to them. In the past five years I’ve held at least 3 jobs, and now I’m currently jobless. To them, I’m unstable; I’m heading down the same path my father and two of his brothers have taken, that of being unemployed for the sake of principles. He doesn’t want me to float and struggle to survive as how he has had to. I think, to an extent, he feels obligated to my mother that I not end up the same way, that a woman has to support the family, or that I have to depend on someone else to survive.

“Your principles won’t mean anything when you need to eat,” he reminds me.

Not that I have any intention of letting myself get that far. Starving is painful, and it’s not something you subject to your family. It’s especially not something you do voluntarily (fasting is a completely different issue in this case). No, it comes down to the fact that he and my mother wish a stable job for myself, a job where I don’t have to worry about being fed with a roof over my head.

“Where will you be when you’re forty? After your time in Japan, then what? Don’t tell me you want to be like your father, nothing!” This was a term my father and mother both used to describe my dad, that he was nothing after all this time. He’s still struggling to make ends meet, still struggling to find a way to survive. My mom is paying off the bills that were incurred when my father went into business.

I told my mother the answers that she did not want to hear. That everything I was doing now was to prevent those from happening. But I did not tell her the true reason. Why do I want to travel? Why not just get a “stable” job and sit with a company for about 10 years or so? Make my way up the career ladder? What they want for me is what every parent of their generation wants for their children; they wanted their kids to earn enough money to have a nice roof over their heads, money for education, and money for a good car and the occasional holiday. Perfectly normal and sane dreams, except for one single fact.

This is not what I want.

I don’t want a safe life. That is not for me. I want a life where I can tell stories to my children, stories to my nephew and nieces, stories to tell the next generation. I don’t want a life where the past is forgotten, where the only time it is brought up is so that it can be used to put another person down. I don’t want a life where I would feel embarassed by my life’s choices. I don’t want a life where I censor myself simply because it’s not something that’s normally done.

That is not the life for me.

I have big dreams. Big in the sense that it is probably something my family, extended and close, have never really thought about. My grandparents have travelled around the four corners of the globe. They’ve been to Europe, China, the US and New Zealand. My godfather has gone beyond that. My eldest cousin and his wife have been to the UK. The rest of the family? Many are content to simply sit in Malaysia, or to travel to Singapore and Thailand when the church takes them. Or if the mood does so.

That is not what I want.

My grandmother, if nothing else, has a wanderlust. My grandfather was a railway master. They both loved to travel, to see new things, to explore places. My grandmother never complained about having to move house multiple times when she was younger. My grandfather enjoyed taking the few minutes walk down to the local coffee shop (kopitiam) to socialise with his friends. Whether my parents realised it or not, when they put me in my grandparents’ care, I became more like my grandparents than I did my parents.

But that’s a story for another time.

Original entry as appearing at Reach Into Your Soul.

Ponderings

Monday, June 14th, 2010 10:31 pm
geminianeyes: Cute sisters from PW as kids (Default)

You gotta learn to love yourself
Kagayaku Hito, sung by Angela Aki

A few days ago, I celebrated my 26th birthday. I spent it in the company of people I love, people whom I call family, people whom I call friends. Both in the day, and at night. There was of course, 5 hours where I was sitting in a bus, but even this was assuaged. I had a call from Tiara to keep me company towards the end of the bus ride.

Ti darling, you’ll never know how reassuring it was to hear your voice even if I sounded distracted, because it kept me from panicking when the bus took a route different from the one I was used to. :D

I visited my grandmother a few days ago, and she was surprised to hear that I had travelled out of state. In her mind, I’ll always be six years old, innocent, cheerful and a little too talkactive.

Today, I paid a visit to a hair treatment centre for the sheer fun of it. I also handed in some writing assignments, but felt like dropping into a hole because I didn’t think they were up to mark.

Just a few minutes ago, I read this,, from Fenix. There are a number of places where I find myself nodding, agreeing completely with the writer.

Especially the bit about judging people. I’ve gone from bad to worse on that.

But really, it’s time for me to ask myself just what the heck I am doing.

Last month, I quit my job as a full-time copywriter to pursue a career in teaching. A move that seems suicidal, since all my applications seem to have disappeared into a void. Yes, I know, perhaps I’m not looking in the right places.

I’ve been working as a freelance writer to support myself in the meatime, but today told me that maybe I suck at that too. I’m careless, I’m thoughtless, and I’m hopeless with deadlines. This is the truth. Anyone who has worked with me will attest to this.

And lately, it would seem that I also lost the ability to write.

Well, to write convincingly and in a believable manner. To write in a way that brings me joy, not anguish. To write for the sheer pleasure of doing it and not because I have to. Chrodechild and Asad notwithstanding. Or rather, they are the example of me writing unconvincingly, projecting my own desires onto them.

I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. Does it matter? Do I matter? Is there anything I do that actually brings any changes to the world around me?

*Hums the lyrics to Kagayaku Hito*

Original entry as appearing at Reach Into Your Soul.

Forgot to say

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010 06:37 am
geminianeyes: Cute sisters from PW as kids (Default)

GONG XI FA CAI! :D Have a merry year of the Tiger, everyone! :D

Original entry as appearing at Reach Into Your Soul.

geminianeyes: Cute sisters from PW as kids (Default)

Dear friends and family

Thank you for your kind words. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for letting me offer you a shoulder. Thank you for the reality of where I am today. Thank you for sharing your lives with me. Thank you for allowing me into your hearts. Thank you for letting me spoil you. Thank you for letting me get away with teasing you. Thank you for letting me be your cheerleader. Thank you for your smiles. Thank you for the warm hugs.

Thank you, for loving me.

Me.

Original entry as appearing at Reach Into Your Soul.

This needs a post

Tuesday, October 20th, 2009 02:17 pm
geminianeyes: Cute sisters from PW as kids (Default)

To sister Juufan:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Love
Naoko

PS: Thanks May dear for the reminder.

Original entry as appearing at Reach Into Your Soul.

January 2015

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